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Green Gilbert Lives: Gilbert Muff was born at a very
early age, and led a very sheltered life for most of
his early days. To look at him no-one would have thought
he was a multipartite genius, with degrees in Mufti,
Mullah and Zoroastrianism, as he appeared to be an
ordinary little man, with glasses and a rather large
inferiority complex, but the truth of the matter was
that he was an ordinary little man with glasses and an
immense inferiority complex.
Gilbert however did have one goal in life, he was
rather good at chemistry, and wanted to become an atomic
scientist. His Aunty, to encourage him, had given him a
chemistry set the previous Christmas, and this was his
pride and joy.
One day Gilbert was in his lavatory, changing some
blue water to green by adding yellow,(he was clever like
that) when he accidentally knocked over his test tube,
which spilt all over an open Airwick bottle he'd
foolishly left lying on the floor. "Blatoomb….Karumphfff…Splut!"
The lavatory erupted with a loud eruption.
Gilbert stirred among the debris of his ruptured
lavatory. "Grunt..Korfull..Choke..Kaplotz", he
grumbled, as he picked himself up, but to Gilbert's
surprise he felt no pain . He tried pricking himself
with a sharp bristle off of a lavatory brush, but still
he felt no pain. Even when he banged his head on the
cistern he felt no pain. Something had happened during
the explosion, Gilbert had become invulnerable!
Gilbert rushed down stairs to tell his Auntie, but in
his excitement he tripped on the first step. To his
surprise instead of falling, he floated down to the
bottom. Gilbert had become lighter than air! Gilbert
could hardly believe his luck. "No, this is more
than luck, he thought to himself, "it's fate, fate
has decreed me to be a Super Hero!!, and a Super Hero
Gilbert would be. Green Gilbert Lives!
GREEN GILBERT VERSUS ICARUS During the following few
weeks Gilbert prepared everything for his
Super-hero-ship. He swore his Auntie to secrecy, and she
fashioned an outfit for a Green Gilbert, and then one
day, reading a certain underground paper Green Gilbert
came face to face with his first adversary.
It appeared a large lump of rock, on an unpredictable
orbit, was threatening the Earth. Scientists had
predicted that if this rock, which they called Icarus,
collided with the Earth, it would more than likely knock
Earth off its orbit. "This could mean disaster",
thought Gilbert, cleverly assessing the situation.
"I must look into this as GREEN GILBERT!"
Gilbert's Auntie packed him some sandwiches and a
flask and went to the roof to see him off on his first
assignment. She told him to be careful and kissed him on
the check. Excitedly Green Gilbert sprang from the roof,
"Up, Up and Away", he shouted, mimicking one
of his favourite Super partners. Unfortunately Green
Gilbert's flying powers had to rely on his take-off
spring, concealed in his Peter Pan boots, and the
direction of the wind. Therefore, after ten minutes he
found himself flying dangerously low over a housing
estate. People started shouting at him and waving their
fists as he floated along, gathering clothes-lines,
dustbin lids and T.V. aerials, which didn't help his
buoyancy; but before long he sighted the "Planet
Observatory" which cheered him up, and so Green
Gilbert prepared to land. Unknown to him the Observatory
had already spotted him through one of their telescopes,
and scientists were rushing around, preparing to greet
what they thought was a man from outer space.
Gilbert increased his gravity on his weight-belt,
this was done by spitting into a packet of instant
potato mix, the solid potato being heavier than the
flakes, thus he started to descend, "Possibly a
little too fast", he thought.
Karamfff!…Clatapoon!…Smunch!
Gilbert crashed through the dome of the Observatory
and landed amid a circle of inquisitive scientists.
Wiping the potato from his face he stood up proudly and
said, "I'm Green Gilbert!" "Where do you
come from?" , said one of the scientists. "That",
said Gilbert "is a secret, but I am here to help
you with Icarus." The scientists mumbled excitedly,
and then proceeded to tell him what they had done about
Icarus so far.
Apparently, the Americans had sent a missile to blow
it up,  under the publicity cover of an unmanned moon
rocket; but one of the engines failed and caused the
missile to miss its target. The scientists said they
thought Icarus to be more than a lump of rock, they
considered that it was a manned craft of some kind, thus
explaining the failure of the American Rocket. As the
scientists talked, Green Gilbert assessed that he didn't
understand what they were saying, so to save time and
embarrassment he butted in. "I know all this, I've
been viewing the situation from afar", he lied,
"so how can I help with this Icarus problem?".
The eldest of the scientists stepped forward and
surveyed Gilbert. "You could be the answer to all
our prayers. "he said. "We, like the Americans,
have built a rocket, but it is to be manned by a
spaceman who we have not yet chosen. The rocket contains
many weapons and devices to enable the operator to
destroy Icarus, but no-one is strong enough to overcome
the great stress of the take-off of such a ship."
"I am invulnerable." Said Gilbert proudly.
"Lead me to the rocket, we must waste no
time."
The take off was a piece of cake for Gilbert, and for
the first hour of flight he studied the equipment on the
rocket. Suddenly the ship started to shake and a
tremendous noise filled Gilbert's ears. He rushed to the
control seat and strapped himself in; but as suddenly as
it had started, the shuddering stopped. Gilbert rushed
to the porthole and quivered as he saw why. An enormous
hand spanning at least a mile, was clutching the ship:
and then behind him Gilbert heard a hissing noise. It
was the air-lock, something was coming in………….
What could it be? What did it want with Green Gilbert?
"HISSSSZZZZZZHUMMMMMMMMMMMM…..DONK!" went
the airlock. Green Gilbert faced the yet unopened inner
door, with a grim expression on his face, which he had
previously decided to wear during such tense moments.
The inner door opened slowly and Green Gilbert stood
face to face with the most mind blowing experience he
had ever encountered. It at first appeared to be a sort
of three dimensional light show left over by the Pink
Floyd after the building had been burnt down by the Move;
but on closer inspection it did seem to have a definite
outline.
The light show spoke, "Green Gilbert, I presume
?". "Yes". Quaked Gilbert, trying to
access where it hit. "Have no fear". The light
show said, making Gilbert feel quite rightly inferior.
"My name is unimportant as my race have no need for
such things, but for reasons of reference you may call
me Captain Snott. Green Gilbert winced as he realized
that he was facing one of those ultimately boring
superior beings like you see in second rate space films,
who was going to spend all his time telling him how
inferior he was compared to their race. "I
understand", said Gilbert, trying to keep his cool.
"I suppose that you have only taken on the
appearance that you have, because I would not be able to
comprehend your normal appearance" he added,
getting completely hung up on an inferior kick. "Yes",
said Captain Snott, bringing Green Gilbert down even
further. "But no matter there are more important
things to discuss." "Take me to your leader".
Gilbert shouted, trying to impress the light show.
"Certainly", said Captain Snott turning
towards the exit. "Do not worry my energy
radiations will enable you to walk in outer space."
"What a rotten trick", thought Green Gilbert
as he sped towards the Earth, not realizing what a twit
he was for falling for it. So approaching the speed of
166.8 m.p.h. in a downward direction, and having had his
space ship stolen, Green Gilbert decided this was cause
for desperate measures. By asserting all his mental
powers, and by using a gadget which is too complicated
to explain. Green Gilbert stopped falling and proceeded
to go in an upwards direction back to his rocket ship.
"This time", he thought "I will ignore
Captain Snott and find out what's at the bottom, or the
shoulders, whichever the case may be, of the enormous
hand which was clutching my space ship."
Green Gilbert arrived safely, you'll be glad to hear,
back on his interplanetary craft, and decided to
eavesdrop on what was going on inside. He peered through
the porthole and observed that there were several light
shows talking to each other and so he thought it wise to
listen. "Boy did we put one over on that goon in
the Peter Pan suit". Said Captain Snott, "He
really fell for that." "Yes" replied one
of the other light shows, "but what's the plan now
that he's out the way." "The plan is this",
said Captain Snott, revelling in the authority he was
commanding. "We will land on Earth in a suitable
explosion to make people take notice, at a time
numerologically worked out to do likewise, and declare
we are the new Messiahs. Thus enabling us to have
complete control over the people of the world."
"So", thought Green Gilbert, "it's
beginning to fall into place." "I must plan my
next move carefully", he said out aloud rather
foolishly. He considered bursting in, Batman and Robin
style, but decided against it, as these tactics seemed
only to work for the Dynamic Duo, and besides he had
already ascertained he wouldn't know how to hit them; or
he could keep in hiding and wait for the right moment to
pounce, so to speak. He decided in favour of the latter
and proceeded to find an adequate hiding place.
Unfortunately while all this shrewd thinking had bee
going on, Gilbert had completely forgotten about the
gigantic hand and whatever it was attached to, but even
more unfortunately for Green Gilbert the hand, and
whatever was attached had not forgotten him. Suddenly,
Green Gilbert was grasped from behind by an enormous
pair of tweezers and found himself being whisked up
through space at a tremendous rate of speed……Then
the motion stopped and Gilbert found himself dangling in
outer space, he shuddered as he saw the face of what was
holding him like a dead fly. It was like a red and
yellow brain with one big eye, and a great gaping chasm
of a mouth containing razor sharp teeth. Suddenly, to
his horror Gilbert felt himself being drawn towards this
cavern-like mouth and realized that he was about to be
Eaten…………. THE QUEER AFFAIR
Although Green Gilbert was invulnerable, the thought
of entering the chasm resembling a mouth made him feel
somewhat uneasy; but as he came closer to this rather
unpleasant happening, it became more and more apparent
that, that which he feared was rapidly becoming
inevitable. Thus worked Green Gilbert's mind, as he was
released from the tweezers and plunged into the gaping
oral-opening. But as he bounced off the extremely large
tongue, he realized that the interior of this seemingly
grotesque creature was in fact rather pleasant. As he
slid down what he assumed to be the gullet, it reminded
him of a journey to see Santa Clause he had made in a
large department store, when he was in his youth the
year before. He seemed to float down through an ever
changing haze of pastel lights, which caressed his body
like cotton wool clouds, sending him into a
transcendental sea of ecstacy. Floooommmmmppppphhhhh, as
if in slow motion, Green Gilbert finally landed on what
seemed to be a thousand feather mattresses. "Where
am I? What is this strange place?" Gilbert burbled
to himself.
But even as his last question mark echoed round the
large, misty, cave-like room, a large booming voice
echoed back, "I am the Fate Commander of San
Francisco. I control everything concerning environment
in the city of San Francisco. Every city in the world
has its own Fate Commander, and until recently, I was
the best and kindest Fate Commander in the world. But
now I, and in fact my city, faces a grave danger, which
is why I got in touch with the London Fate Commander,
which in turn brought about the chain of events, which
gave you the super powers and eventually brought you
here.
Gilbert was surprised at the way he was able to
comprehend all this, normally he would have thought he
was going mad, as he very often did; but there was
something in the atmosphere of this strange place he was
in that made everything seem real and truthful. Again
the Fate-Commander spoke, "What you are
experiencing is a concentrated dose of the atmosphere
which I have given to San Francisco, as you are the
Atmosphere Generating Plant of my system". "Fantastic",
said Gilbert, suddenly realizing where it was at.
"Well you've done a lot for me, what can I do for
you?" , which is a typically San Franciscan thing
to say.
The Fate-Commander did speak, verily. "The
light-show creatures you have recently encountered are
in fact the evil parts of my mind which normally I keep
suppressed, but owing to a space warp created by the
forming of Icarus, my evil subconscious has become a
separate self governing entity; and unless you can help
me intervene with their plans, they who have appointed
themselves Fate-Commander of their creator Icarus, will
send the planetold crashing into San Francisco, to undo
all the good I have done".
"What can be done to stop them and how can I
help?" Gilbert asked. Suddenly, the warm glow in
the atmosphere dropped and Green Gilbert felt a sense of
fear coming from the Fate-Commander.
"I'm sorry about that", said the
Fate-Commander, "that was a natural reaction
because of the task I have set for you. It also means
that the people of San Francisco are now aware of their
impending fate, so there is no time to loose. About 50
years ago there was a similar occurrence, which resulted
in the San Francisco earthquake, and we were told that
if this was to occur again, we were to contact none
other than the Great Master Himself; but unfortunately,
wherever I go a member of the evil entity will follow,
and when any evil is present it is impossible to enter
Nirvana, which is a state of mind one must enter before
the ultimate confrontation. In a nutshell, your task is
to enter Nirvana and relate all this to God…… "Let's
get down to it then", said Gilbert, assuming an
immense amount of authority. "Where do I go?"
"You don't go anywhere", answered the
Fate-Commander, "not in the literal sense. First we
have to get you in the correct layer of consciousness.
Just lie down and relay, I will help you think of
nothing but good. Are you relaxed?, are you relaxed, are
you relaxed……… Myridic, Synoptic, Dissonant,
Opaque, Spherical, Retinas, Reflections……… Hello
Gilbert said God !
Green Gilbert in the presence of God; God Only Knows:
Gilbert was not surprised to find that God spoke with an
Oxford English Accent, after all what else; but he was
fearful to lift his head to actually see what he was
talking to, he expected an immense holy figure bathed in
swirling, blue light, but as he humbly looked up he was
surprised to see a pleasant little man with grey hair
and a handlebar moustache, who was sitting in a wicker
rocking chair, smoking a woodbine.
"I have an important message for you", said
Gilbert. "Don't worry about it", God answered
smiling, "I know all about it, and it's nothing to
worry about". "But what are you going to
do", Gilbert said anxiously. "Don't worry",
God repeated, "it's all going to plan, I move in
strange ways you know. Have a Woody and relax while
you're here". "Thank You, but I prefer menthol",
said Gilbert. God worked a minor miracle and Gilbert sat
back and enjoyed a menthol woodbine. "Do you play
chess?" God enquired. "Yes", said
Gilbert.
GREEN GILBERT - The Final Chapter
"O.K. I'll give you a game". A chess board
appeared from nowhere. "You be black" said God,
"I always play white, it's better for my image you
know". God moved his King's pawn to Bishop 4 and
Gilbert checked his move by moving his Knight 6, so
Gilbert obviously moved Kings Knight to Archbishop 12.
Suddenly, a bolt of lightening struck Gilbert's Knight
at Queen 4, and God moved Queen's Bishop Knights to
King's Pawns 27, castle-ing his King and whipping his
moustache. Gilbert, wondered if this was fair, but
decided to pretend it had never happened, he moved his
Castle's Rook to Queen's Black Bishop 39, and uttered
"Check". God summoned a minor earthquake, or a
heaven-quake, depending on how you look at it, and made
Gilbert's Queen disappear in smoke. This was too much
for Gilbert, he stood up and shouted, "you're
cheating". "No I'm not" said God, "I
move in strange ways". "I'm fed up with that
excuse", said Gilbert, "that's not strange,
it's cheating". "Ah! So you've sussed",
said God, I'm glad somebody has, if the truth were known,
I don't know at all what I'm doing. People keep bringing
me all these problems and I don't know what to do with
them, I don't know what happens on earth, I only built
the thing, I don't know how it works, that's why I made
Harold Wilson, but even that doesn't seem to be working".
"Oh", said Gilbert, pretending to gather the
gravity of the situation. "Anyway", said God,
I won the chess game so there". "Alright",
said Gilbert, "if that makes you happy, you won the
chess game, but I lost it, you didn't". "Ah,
but I made you loose it". "No you didn't,
that's where you're wrong, I made you win it". God
stepped back at this remark and looked rather annoyed,
he pointed a finger at Gilbert, and suddenly Green
Gilbert was back in his lavatory basin. "What
happened Aunty?" he asked. "You've blown up
your laboratory, I always said you would, but thank
heavens you're alright". Gilbert picked himself up
and dusted himself down. "I hope this will be a
lesson to you", said his Aunty, "but I'm glad
it happened, it may have knocked some sense into you,
God moves in strange ways". "He certainly does",
said Gilbert.
The End
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